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Vuvuzela - alternative ideas - alternative uses of!


The Vuvuzela was made infamous at the South African World Cup 2010. At first-sight apparently relatively harmless, vuvuzelas have a problem of scaling. Whereas at small football venues, the plastic horns were merely a celebratory annoyance, once the whole thing was scaled-up to an international arena, the result was a din of epic proportions, bringing to Earth a cacophony the likes of which would seldom be heard outside the realms of the court of Azathoth.

Azathoth's realm was said to be accompanied by "...maddening beating of vile drums and the thin monotonous whine of accursed flutes". The imagination of H.P. Lovecraft was prodigious for sure, but it would be speculative to say the least to suggest that he was prophetic in seeing a manifestation of things at the World Cup 2010.

Then again, it is said "Talk of the Devil, and you may see his horns appear".

Hope is at hand for the vuvuzela, because there may be a way to adjust these plastic tooting things to make music! Yes, actual music! The reason why music isn't usually played on vuvuzelas is because they are almost always tuned to a single frequency, B-flat. But supposing the manufacturers started making vuvuzelas in a variety of different notes. They could emboss the name of the note (inc octave) on the vuvuzela, and sheet music could be issued to be played using a technique not entirely unlike that with which handbell music is played! This would mean that a crowd at a football game could play a tune, collectively. The musical skill required by each vuvuzela player would not be high. They'd each just need to toot their horn at appropriate moments when their particular note was required, and that could be achieved relatively easily by highlighting the sheet music. So, music played on vuvuzelas!

On an entirely different alternative use for vuvuzelas, there is a particular situation where it's possible to use a vuvuzela instead of a potato. For example, where someone's car exhaust seems like it could do with a potato being stuffed up it, a vuvuzela can be used instead. This is especially appropriate if the said vehicle has two huge exhaust pipes, the likes of which would require quite a lot of potato to be applied. Instead, a pair of matching vuvuzelas stuffed up the exhaust pipes will provide plenty of accompaniment to the vehicle, thus attracting plenty of attention. That is what impressive exhausts on cars are for, so, it may be just the required addition.

Further lateral thinking goes on to suggest that a Yard of Ale may have a makeshift substitute. A Yard of Ale normally consists of a special very long glass, from which ale is supped in the fastest possible time, as a challenge. Although this is all good drinking fun, there are conflicting matters, namely, actual glass (fragile, with possibility of breakage and sharp edges), and boozing (increased risk of damage to fragile items). However, if a vuvuzela were to be adapted to have affixed a special plastic goldfish-bowl or even a rubber hot water bottle on the narrow end, it might be possible to drink yards of ale without fear of smashing the valuable glassware and cutting someone with the glass.

Furthermore, I wonder if the type of gardening aficionados who grow giant carrots need to have special plantpots of appropriate shape and size to encourage their prize carrots to grow. Surely the vuvuzela is a ready-made shape for that, long and tapered, and with its drainage hole at the narrow end, it might be ideal.

These and other crazy ideas may be around now that the World Cup is starting to fade from view.